Sunday, April 21st, 2024—a date which will live in infamy—Three Rivers Golf Course of Kelso was suddenly and deliberately attacked by Degenerate and Mentally challenged members of The 12.
14th place The Snake. While almost killing Railing your Mom, the lone highlight of The Snakes round (other than almost killing RYM) was an Eagle on #7. Drove the green and sunk the 8-foot putt. Nice 97, keep your head up kid and remember…you are the only Roeder that matters.
13th place Ca Lifornia. A very intentional 86 to boost his handicap right before the Masters is pure genius and classic Ca. Well done sir…I hope the 3 hour drive back to Eugene was worth it.
12th place Spanky. After accosting and fondling poor Jake pre round, a belligerent Spanky downed a pint of Makers Mark on the putting green, stumbled to the fist tee and shot a very normal front nine 43. Once the buzz wore off, he pulled it together and shot a very typical 39 on the back. 1 point for 12th place… LOVE IT!
11th place. Chambermaid. Best sportsmanship on tour…hands down. Hats off to you sir. How you can consistently shoot in the 90’s and not blow up and break every fucking club in your bag is beyond me. A great 43 on the front was followed up with a normal 49 on the back. You did win the unofficial “Sportsman of the Day” award however, and that is worth 2 Fedex cup points. Nice work!
T7th place. Magic Mike, Easy, The Pro. Welcome Back Pro and Easy. You two put on a show that is worthy of a gentleman’s clap and a T7th finish. Easy shoots 79 and The Pro shoots 80. The only thing worth mentioning is the satisfaction we all get listening to the Pro bitch about high handicaps and having to fork over $130 to play once a year. Magic Mike couldn’t pull any rabbits out of his ass and finishes with a ho-hum 86. Perhaps a Masters Green jacket is within reach?
6th place. Railing Your Mom. Back-to-back birdies on 9 and 10 looked promising, but too many bogeys down the stretch made it difficult for him to make any serious charge. One of the most fearless putters on tour, Railing has a decent chance of reclaiming the Green jacket in a couple weeks…or shooting a 98. 50/50 chance.
5th place. Hellboy. 10 bogeys, 3 double bogeys, 2 pars, 2 birdies. 16 hooked drives, 15 duffed chips, 10 3 putts. That high handicap will always give HB a chance, but an all-time top 10 round of 86 wasn’t enough at Three Rivers.
4th place. Con Man. Solid 81. 42,39. 1 birdie. A Shira with a handicap over 10 must be a hard pill to swallow for poor Connor. Con Man seems unfazed, and is a good swallower. He will continue to work his handicap down to single digits…and then never sniff a top 3 finish again.
T2. El Toro, Sloppy Joe. Sloppy shoots another low round (83) with a disgustingly high handicap (18) and contends for another win. We all can’t wait for it to drop to his “true” 10 and never have to see him on the leaderboard again. El Toro shoots a boring 75 with 16 pars and must share second place once again with another untalented, overrated, sand bagger…what’s new?
1st place. Precious. Let the record show in the smelly anal of history, that despite his urine-soaked socks, and skid marked boxers, one small man rose and positioned his self at the front of the firing line, and with one scared shitless swing after another, managed to somehow shoot his way past his enemies for his very first victory in The 12. Solid front nine 38 followed by a desperate, clawing, scratching 46. Congrat’s Little Precious Prez, you earned it!
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