Once upon a time, in the bustling streets of Mexico, there lived a young boy named Precious. From a tender age, he was enchanted by the game of golf. His father, a caddy at the local course, would take him along whenever he could, and there, amidst the lush greens and gentle sways of the fairways, Precious's passion was ignited.
From the moment he first laid eyes on the prestigious green jacket worn by the winners of the Masters Tournament, Precious knew that it was his destiny to wear one himself. He would spend endless hours practicing his swing, often using makeshift clubs fashioned from sticks and old cans in the backyard. He studied the greats of the game, idolizing the likes of Seve Ballesteros, Lee Trevino, Chi-Chi Rodriguez and Tiger Woods, dreaming that one day he would join their ranks on the hallowed grounds as a Masters Champion.
Despite facing financial struggles and societal expectations that favored more traditional pursuits, Precious remained steadfast in his pursuit of his dream. He worked odd jobs, saved every penny he could, and poured his heart and soul into mastering the game. His dedication paid off as he began to excel in local tournaments, earning recognition for his skill and determination.
Years flew by, and Precious transformed from a young boy with a dream into a short, middle-aged man, with a hair loss problem and a few extra pounds around the waist. But his passion for golf remained as strong as ever, fueled by the belief that one day he would don that coveted green jacket.
Finally, after decades of unwavering dedication, Precious's moment arrived. Against all odds, he qualified for the Masters Tournament, his childhood dream within reach. With his wife and children cheering him on from home, Precious stepped onto the pristine fairways of Evergreen Valley Golf Course, his heart pounding with excitement and nerves.
But fate had a cruel twist in store for Precious. As he battled his way through the tournament, displaying flashes of brilliance and grit, he found himself in dead last, with the previous champion, Chambermaid, a charismatic and talented golfer adored by fans around the world, leading the tournament.
In the final few holes and Chambermaid was doing everything he could to give the tournament away, the tension palpable with every swing. But in the end, it was Chambermaid who emerged victorious, his flawless performance leaving Precious just short of his lifelong dream.
As Precious watched Chambermaid slip into the green jacket, a bittersweet mix of pride and disappointment washed over him. Though his own journey had ended in heartbreak, he knew that he had given it his all, leaving behind a legacy of determination and resilience for his children to carry forward.
And so, as the sun set on the drive home from EVGC, Precious held his head high, knowing that while he may not have won the tournament, he had won something far greater—the unwavering belief that dreams, no matter how improbable, are always worth chasing. Also, Fuck you Dozer.
On to the Lowlights:
The Snake - T14 A model of consistency. The 3rd tournament in a row finishing dead last. The Roeder is strong in this one.
Railing Your Mom - T14 Previous Masters Champ, but how? wakes up 20 mins before his tee time and it showed. God I love this man.
Precious - 13 A birdie and 1 of 2 players without a 3 putt shows you how bad his game is everywhere else. Lots of work to do to return to the podium.
ConMan - T11 Still playing with the clubs he stole from Top Golf he fought his way through this one after losing his 1st tee shot in the middle of the fairway.
Easy - T11 Defending the title was not in the cards as he struggled in his first walking round of the year. Getting old and being unhealthy is a bitch. Welcome.
Hellboy - 10 The betting favorite to win it all teaches us to never bet on Red.
El Toro - T8 What a difference 2 weeks makes. Nary a green missed at the duffers, leads to a season worst finish and score.
Golden Rod - T8 His season debut and season finally all in one. 42/42. Respectable but you must have forgot how to play in the cold. Also, aren't you the same guy who shoots par in Bend when no one is around? Things that make you go, hmmmmm.
Headcase - T6 Leaves just a few strokes out on the course and earned a nomination or 3, for bitcher pitcher. When you paying up?
Magic - T6 What can you say about this man that hasn't been said about any and everyone who consistently finishes at expectations? No on thinks you're going to lose it, but no thinks you're going to win it either.
Roedog - T4 Tied for the lead at 16. Gives it away with a bogey/double finish. So close yet so far away.
Spanky - T4 Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda. The only person that no one wanted to win the jacket. Could you imagine dealing with a year of that shit?
Sloppy - T2 leads for the majority of the day, can't find a par to save his life on the back 9. 'Cap drop to sub 15. Good luck the rest of the year.
Ca Lifornia T2 a Double/Bogey finishes ends it for Ca who invites us down each year just to choke when it matters most.
Congrats to you Chambermaid. A new Jacket for you to look ridiculous in. Maybe next year give us all a chance and don't get hammered the night before. "My name is Jeff"
Onwards and upwards,
President Precious
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