The 2023 Masters Results and Recap - Easy Does It

Facil lo hace, in Spanish, immer sachte, in German, c'este facil, in French, or de' dang lam no', in Vietnamese. No matter which language or origin of Easy's heritage you use to say "Easy Does It", it all translates into this man in a Green Jacket for the first time in his storied career with the 12's. Let's breakdown the phrase "easy does it" and see how perfect a phrase it is to describe this mans slow ascent to the top of the leaderboard at Emerald Valley Golf Course. Easy does it - used to tell someone to approach a task carefully and slowly. He took this to heart and began his Masters win, not with registering via the website, which he did, unlike the majority of you bastards, but with a practice round in 2021. If you remember, Easy made the 2 and a half hour drive in 2021 with his eyes set on a glorious green jacket in 2023. He hit the driving range in 2021 pre-round knowing that in 2 short hours he would receive a call from his wife that their family shih-tzu, Bob, had bit a neighbor kid and that he'd have to leave. Let me just get a lay of the land, get a feel for this course he said to himself as the fog lifted that morning. Easy does it. No need to rush. He tees off that fateful morning knowing that this is not his time. An hour and a half later, 7 strokes off the pace, his phone rings, and as rehearsed, Mrs. Easy gives him the devastating news that Bob has bit yet another neighborhood kid and that his expertise from years of watching Cesar Millan whisper to dogs is needed. He makes his exit after giving eventual Masters Champion Chambermaid a slap on the ass as he says "See you in 2 years, Fucker". Easy drives home, relaxed and content with a half grin as if to say "Easy Does It."

Fast forward a year, the venue changes. No Matter, this was a 2 year plan anyway. Statistically speaking, this is the best golfer in the league. Any course, at any time bends to his will and sheer talent but again easy does it. He's prepped for this moment. This year is about finishing strong, tying for the lead and seeing what a putt-off would do to his putting stroke in case one of the hackers from the 20+ handicaps makes a run in 2023. Well 2022 ends the way Easy wanted it to. In a 3 way putt-off. He makes everyone of us believe he choked away Masters Glory with a shit putt and a shit excuse that the greens were, what was it, oh yeah, FLUFFY! The 2 year plan has been executed beautifully to this point. Easy does it.

Fast forward to 2023, The Masters has returned to it's rightful home. But some nuances have made Easy adapt his plan accordingly. His son, Conman, has joined the league. Connor knows of this 2 year plan to win the Masters but Easy is not going to let Connor ruin this. Fuck it Connor, you're grounded this weekend he says. Conman-out! Bob has not bit a kid in over 2 months. A Thursday trip to Pet-Smart and 3 chew toys later, Bob will not be a factor this weekend. Late registration to the Masters to keep everyone guessing - Genius! Showing up last to the course to make sure that Easy is on everyone's mind....Like I told you this plan is something out of a Pinky and the Brain episode and the only thing left is World Domination.

The round starts - Par, Par, Par. Easy Does it, don't get ahead of yourself he says. Double, Bogey, Double. There we go, back to the middle of the pack. Then rattles off 5 straight pars. Back to the top 3. Hole 12 shows up and damn near derails this entire plan. A poor, but not bad tee shot, disappears and Easy is forced to take a penalty and an eventual triple. You could see his soul leave his body. I, personally have no idea why he was so pissed. I'd been posting triples since the first hole and I was having a great time (more on that later)! We get to the 18th, it is now a 2 man game with not a soul in the final group within spitting distance of the lead. Spanky and Easy for the championship. God it feels good when a plan falls in place. Easy smokes his drive, dead center cut. Spanky barely misses the fairway bunker on the left but is left with an impossible stance. Advantage Easy. Spanky tops his 2nd shot into the trees on the left, it nestles like a baby squirrel into the knotted roots of the deciduous tree above and all easy has to do is is make bogey or better and this thing and this plan is over. 3 strokes later the 2023 Masters is over. Easy is now and forever will be a Masters Champion.

EASY-FUCKING-DOES-IT!

On to the Lowlights:

Railing - 12th Place 96/86 +14 - a 44 front and right in the thick of it is derailed by a bloody, 2 white claws, and what 1 can only guess as being at least 2 grams of fentanyl. 52 strokes, One apology later and a repeat just wasn't in the cards.

Golden - 11th Place 92/82 +10 - He made the opening introductions and the closing award announcements and neither were coherent. Unlike Railing, alcohol couldn't be blamed. 1st event of the season, and knocking off the 12 rust is the likely culprit, or I don't know, maybe the horror of busting in on Precious dropping his morning deuce that morning affected him more than he let on.

Headcase - 10th Place 98/78 +7 - If there is a silver lining to being highest gross of the day, it's that you weren't there alone. It's not 1 hole that is destroying Headcase's rounds this year but more of just a slow, tortuous spiral that you think can be turned around at any point, which makes it that much more painful to witness.

Hellboy - 9th Place 98/78 +7 - This man has taken Bogey golf to the next level. He's taken it so far, that he refused to make a single par this week. Doubles and triples a-plenty but nary a Par on the scorecard. Jesus, what I would give to be as committed to something as Hellboy is to mediocrity.

Roedog - 8th Place 91/77 +5 - A front 9 40 has everyone in the field on notice. Then the wheels fall apart faster than Toro thinks this country is. A triple-triple-double-bogey to start the back 9 has Roeder feeling the way Chambermaid felt the night before the tournament at around 12am. Just a complete dumpster fire of a back 9. 8 on the par 3 17th was just the kick in the nuts he needed to start the 2 hour drive back home.

Chambermaid T-6th 98/76 +4 - He set out on a mission to re-ignite the magic he found at EVGC in 2021 in his bid to receive a second Green Jacket and he did just that, a 44 front from a 22 handicap is winning all day, everyday. The back nine and what 1 can only assume is the pressure mounting had other ideas. 4 doubles and 2 Triples in 9 holes will leave you reeling. Still just 3 strokes off the lead, a few adjustments and tweaks may have done the job. Or I don't know, maybe not getting sauced the night before to the point where the only words you were allowed to say was "My name is Jeff."

Precious - T-6th 98/76 +4 - So here is my come to Jesus moment for all to read. I was first hand witness to the shit show that was Railings golf game on Saturday. I mean, I saw every wayward, topped, duffed, miscounted, and utterly disgusting shot this man took at the Masters, and had a great time doing so. However, when the dust settled and scores were tallied...He still fucking beat me. So as hard as it is to say aloud, Drunk Railing is still 2 shots better than Focused Precious. I'm finding a new sport. Golf can kiss my ass.

Sloppy - T-3rd 97/75 +3 - I'm telling you, sometimes the stories write themselves. Sloppy, after 4 holes is -3 and leading the masters. After his net eagle on 6, he has the ability to run away with it if we weren't careful. But as Sloppy reminds us, "Bitch, I co-authored the Debacle at the Duffers" Undoes all of his hard work on hole 13 with a high-hole of the day 10. And shoots a more in line to who he is, 51 to close 'er out. Thank you Sloppy for being you. Also, being nominated for Bitchers and refusing to buy, yet again, should come with some kind of consequence, right?

Spanky - T-3rd 86/75 +3 - Spanky somehow finds himself among the leaders on the last few holes. and is tied for the lead on 18 as the rest of the field, less himself and Easy, play their way back to median. The double bogey, choke on 18 with the green jacket on the line was by far the hardest thing to watch since 2 girls-1cup. But just like the movie, this was a complete crap show for Spanky. Hit's a good drive, bad stance. Punches out, nestled into roots, punches out again, false front does the trick. Game-Set-Match. Spanky out!

El Toro - T-3rd 84/75 +3 - The consensus favorite to win the masters this year, plays spectacularly unspectacular golf for the majority of the day and yet again winds up a bridesmaid and not the bride. Currently taking bets on if he will win an event this year. Odds going for 5-1 right now. I think it may be the best sweat in sports right now. No, assholes, not the sweat that you saw dripping into that glorious ass-crack on Saturday.

Ca Lifornia - 2nd 86/74 +2 - Our Host. The reason we all drove down to be disappointed. 3 birdies on the day lets you know how mediocre the rest oh his day was. 42/44 on most days is enough to win. just not enough pars will have Ca itching to get the Major back to his home course sooner than later.

For future reference, if there's not going to be ribs on the menu following the Masters could you please give us advance notice other than my 98 that was the most disappointing part of the trip.

But seriously thanks for being a great host!

To the guests - Thank you for showing up and making this a great masters.

MS13, congrats on breaking the habit - Quitter.

Allah, Low Gross. Not invited back. numbersignjoinarealleague

Sunni, I expect some facial hair growth next time we see you.

On to the Ridgefield Championship!

Onward and Upward,

President Precious