The results* from a depleted field driven by holiday, weather, price and overall lack of commitment to degeneracy, at The Memorial Day Open are in and, Ladies* who didn't show and the 5 fine Gentlemen* who did, please help me in congratulating our first back to back champion* of the year, Sloppy Joe!
In a tournament* that was in doubt of being played right up until tee time, missing our Gamebook Maestros*, a makeshift round was created with handicaps ranging from 16 and change all the way up to Precious' robust* 32!?!?! This, despite the fact that the league max handicap is 25. Either way, balls were in the air* and the game was on.
After teeing off on 10 and finishing on 9, during a beautiful* NW day, a repeat champion* was crowned after holding off a charging Spanky who fired a back 9* 40.
Instead of listing off highlights or lowlights (looking at you headcase), I present to you the top 16 sports records with Asterisks next to them:
#15 Cal Bowdler's 7 fouls - ejections happen at 6. WTF?!
#14 Eliud Kipchoge's 1:59 Marathon - Illegal Shoes. Fuck dude, you're already Kenyan
so we know you can run. But cheat too?
#13 John Isner's 113 aces in a match - Recorded before tie break rule at Wimbledon. This match was over 3 days and 11 hours.
#12 Donnel Pumphrey's 6405 College Rushing Yards - NCAA didn't count bowl games
until 2002. Retro-actively Ron Dayne has 7125.
#11 Michael Strahan's 22.5 sacks - Bret Favre flopped for number 22.5 and sacks are a
newly tracked stat.
#10 Tom Dempsey's 63-yd Field Goal - Mr. Clubfoot, we have no room for the disabled
in sports
#8 Ernie Shore's Perfect Game - The first batter was walked. The starting pitcher,
Babe Ruth was tossed for arguing. In comes Ernie who then retires all remaining batters.
#7 Lester Haye's 13 interceptions in 1980 - #Stickum #everywhere. After banning it Hayes had a total of 14 interceptions in his next 6 years
#6 Jerry Rice and every record he holds - #Stickum #again #fucktheniners
#5 Eric Dickerson's 2015 rushing yards - OJ rushed for 2003 in a shorter season by 2
games. OJ would have murdered Dickerson's record.
#4 Roger Maris' 61 homeruns - Same as above more games (161 games) vs. Babe Ruth's 158 game season
#3 Mark McGwire, Sammmy Sosa, and Barry Bonds - All ahead of Roger Maris and all 3
#2 Wayne Gretssky's All Time Goal Record - Gordie Howe has 975 to Gretzky's 940.
Both played in the NHL and WHL, only Gretzky's counted.
#1 Sloppy Joe's Pumpkin Ridge win - with a Hanicap cap of 25, Sloppy Tee's off with a 29 to Spanky's 21. With a 25 cap Spanky would be crowned the rightful champ by a single stroke and all would be right in the world.
*Offical Presidential Edict - Spanky to receive 1st place points. Sloppy to maintain the title and ALL $30 and receive 2nd place points.
Pos. | Degenerate | Net | Score | Pts. |
1* | Sloppy Joe | 65 | -6 | 30 |
T2* | Spanky | 68 | -3 | 50 |
T2* | Precious | 68 | -3 | 19 |
4 | Hellboy | 74 | +3 | 13.5 |
5 | Headcase | 92 | +21 | 11 |
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