Gentlemen, perverts, and fellow 12s. Today, we gather to bid a fond (and somewhat perplexed) farewell to the one and only Christopher "Dozer" Mendoza, an original founding father and former president of the 12's Golf League.
As we send Dozer off into the sunset of retirement, it's essential to reflect on the legacy he leaves behind – a legacy that's akin to a golf ball lost in the rough, surrounded by controversy, sex scandals, payoffs, and a vocabulary as limited as Sloppy's list of potential sexual partners.
Dozer, much like his golf career, served as the league's president and ruled with an iron fist and flaccid junk. His presidency, reminiscent of a turbulent political term (see: Trump), was riddled with controversy, scandals, and hush-money payoffs that would make even the most seasoned politicians raise an eyebrow. It seems that, like a golf ball in the woods, Dozer found himself in some tricky situations.
Despite these challenges, Dozer navigated the league with the grace of a drunk stripper in 12" stilettoes, maintaining a certain level of simplicity and unpredictability that left us all scratching our heads. His limited vocabulary, much like a broken golf cart with only one gear, added a unique charm to league communications, leaving us all wondering if he was practicing his own form of linguistic golf – aiming for the fewest words possible.
Let's not forget his impressive golfing achievements – the record-setting single-hole score of 27 and the awe-inspiring highest gross score of over 140. Much like his presidency, his golf game had its highs and lows, but it was undeniably entertaining.
And then, of course, there's the matter of Dozer's 12 children, who have formed a new charity and GoFundMe "The Dozer Dozen Without Dimes" to wish him well in his retirement. It seems that controversy and unpredictability extend beyond the golf course and into the Mendoza family tree.
In conclusion, as we raise our putters in a perplexed salute to Dozer, let us remember the man, the myth, the golfing enigma, and the former president who brought a touch of political intrigue to the 12's. May his retirement be as eventful as his presidency, and may the league continue to thrive, overcoming any rough patches just as Dozer did on the golf course.
Fairway well, Dozer, fairway well.
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