Columbia Cup 2023 @ OGA Matchup and Predictions as written by El Toro
Match #1 El Toro (12) vs Ca lifornia (13)
Long ago…in a golf league far, far away… a man named Ca lifornia used to win tournament after tournament after tournament. He was a model of consistency in that his 19 handicap never dipped lower that .3 or higher than .3 in any given season….amazing! The wins and trophy’s kept piling up. His biggest fan and advocate Dozer was always willing to slurp away at the cum trail left behind by Ca after every win. However, the annals of history will show that all great empires fall. Against all naysayers, a courageous and mighty Bull named El Toro creates a plan to level the playing pasture and implements a league handicap that forever changes The 12 into a league where anyone can win, not just the same person all the time. And even though it isn’t perfect, and there are still crybabies that whine about the points race and schedule, El Toro knows that he made the right decision in the best interest of the league. Ca lifornia wins this one on #18 after El Toro slices into the driving range.
Match #2 Hellboy (22) vs Magic (19)
Magic owns Hellboy. Magic knows this and Hellboy knows this. This matchup between two of the nicest guys in our league will reveal a darker side of these guys that will send chills up your spines. Hellboy and Magic agree to meet up for a friendly round of golf on Saturday before the Columbia Cup. Winner must buy the loser dinner…so nice. Magic wins, no surprise. So, Magic makes dinner arrangements for later on that night at The Ringside. Hellboy shows up and everything is cool. Both order Ribeye’s-rare and have a couple old fashioned’s. One thing leads to the next and they end up taking an uber to El Diablo’s. Everything is going well until Magic has one too many vodka tonics and pulls his dick out to show one of the strippers, well you guessed it, he gets thrown out and Hellboy with him. So now what? This is where shit gets dark. Hellboy pulls an 8 ball of coke out of his fanny pack and asks Magic if he wants to party some more…Magic says “Hellz yeah boyee!!” So, they find a nearby liquor store and buy a half gallon of Jack Daniels, a couple packs of Marlboro Menthols and then walk two blocks south to the Howard Johnson and rent a room. Once in the room Hellboy starts chopping lines and Magic is pouring triple shots of jack into clear plastic cups. Fast forward to 11am the next day. Both men wake up naked together in bed in the scissors position smelling of cigarettes, whiskey, and sperm. Magic wins again, 1up.
Match #3 Easy (11) vs Con Man (18)
This could be a coming out party for Con Man. One can only imagine how cold it must be living in the shadow of your brother who is better looking, smarter, has a better personality, is more successful, more talented, more charismatic, a brother who has a better-looking girlfriend, better job, better life and whose parents love him just a little bit more than you. Well now it is HIS time! On Sunday he will face off against a man in which all things have been measured against his whole life…his dad. Will Easy finally give his son an honest chance of beating him on the golf course? Or will he resort back to the same “friendly” tactic’s that has kept him on top and Con Man on the bottom his whole life like: “finding” ob balls mysteriously in bounds, moving his ball to ideal lies, adding up scores wrong, and ordering triple shot vodkas redbulls for young Con Man whilst drinking virgin bloody mary’s. Con Man finally gets the 10,000 lb gorilla off his back and beats his dad 5 & 4 and then to prove it was no fluke, kicks the shit out of him in the parking lot. Well done young man.
Match #4 Spanky (10) vs MS-13 (15)
The “Maras” or MS-13 are a gang comprising mostly of young Guatemalans, Mexicans, and inbred white boys that have been deported from their native homelands for crimes that include at least one of the following: child molestation, male rape, necrophilia, or male prostitution. Rarely has a member been convicted of all 4…actually, only one has. This Sunday, Spanky will face off against him. When asked if these disturbing revelations bothered him, Spanky didn’t seem fazed at all. In fact, he said with a blank stare on his face that he was going to “one up” MS-13 and commit the same despicable crimes as a warmup for their match. God help us. MS-13 wins 1up.
Match #5 Railing (15) vs Roedog (17)
Mr. Affable Railing vs Mr. Cynical Roeder. Black and White, Oil and Water, North and South. Two players that couldn’t be farther apart. Everybody loves Railing. He is kind, respectful, and generous. Roedog on the other hand is mean, prickly, and stingy. Nobody likes Roedog. He is a conniving, spoiled, poor sport that deploys dirty tactics against his playing partners and plays it off like he is trying to be helpful. For example, if he sees your ball sitting in the rough in a good lie, he will pick your ball up to “check” and see if it is his then place the ball back down in a worse lie. Railing on the other hand will bend over backwards to help anyone. For example, earlier this year at The PGA, even though Roedogs ball was clearly OB on #18, Railing told him it was close enough and to just play it like it was in bounds…which Roedog did. Then Roedog tracked down Easy’s errant drive and determined that Easy’s ball was clearly OB…securing a fake Win. In this match Roedog will be one down on 18 and then accuse Railing of adding his score up wrong on hole #3. Railing doesn’t remember and agrees. This match is halved.
Match #6 Precious (25) vs Headcase (23)
25+23=84. 48*2=69. 96/12=12. 8-4=8, what do these equations mean? No one knows for sure, but one can imagine that this is a typical thought that runs through the mind of Headcase every time he steps up to hit a chip shot or putt that counts. While others may be thinking about the lie of their ball, or the speed of the greens, Headcase is trying to calculate stupid fucking math problems for no reason at all. Now that I have given you a sneak peek into the mind of the Headcase, lets learn a little bit more about the 12’s backdoor lover. At the age of 12 Precious escaped a life of running vhs pornos and illegal dildos by becoming a star in the Juarez sewer golf league. By the time he turned 20, Precious was the best golfer in all of Juarez and had a bright future ahead of him, that is until the cartel abducted him, and turned him into a mule by loading his ass up with 3 kilos of heroin stuffed rubber balloons. At the time when the DEA arrested him in San Antonio, it was the single largest amount of heroin balloons recovered out of a human, 600 in total. Doctors said that they had never seen an anus so stretched out, yet still functional. His golf swing was never the same. Headcase wins 3 and 2.
Match #7 Sloppy (24) vs Chambermaid (25)
The worst golfer in the league vs the 2nd worst golfer in the league. Have you ever heard the phrase “bottom of the barrel”? Well, these two have taken on this identity not only as golfers, but in real life as well. Sloppy Joe has 5 mix breed kids with 3 baby mommas. He has been on unemployment since 5 years before the pandemic and refuses to get a job insisting that his kids need a “father figure” they can look up to; funny thing is he hasn’t seen any of them in over 10 years. Chambermaid on the other hand does have a job with zero kids and zero financial responsibilities. However, don’t let this fool you. He has been living at home with his 95-year-old grandmother for the past 25 years with grandma barely scraping by on her social security and welfare all the while Chambermaid is rat holing his own money away and never helping with anything. Pathetic. Chambermaid closes this one out on 17 with a 2-up win.
Match #8 Dozer (25) vs Tsunami (16)
Dozer gets an early morning call for the last match as the 13th alternate in a league of 12. After a pathetic regular season of no shows, DNF’s, and self-imposed DQ’s, Dozer is hoping he can get a W against an unknown and that this last gasp, desperate attempt at redemption will somehow get him invited back to play in the 12 next year, doubtful. Tsunami wins this one 4&3 with Dozer floating in the pond on #18…..face down.
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