2022 Columbia2022 Columbia Cup Predictions
Match #1 Connor (0) vs Sloppy (10)
Connor “No Show” Con Man vs Sloppy “No Show” Joe. The comparisons between these two is weirdly similar. Both can’t tell time. Both have limited vocabularies. Both had fathers that No Showed their mothers at the hospital when they were born. Both had mothers that No Showed the nurses when it was time to take their babies home. Best case scenario is that they both No Show the Columbia Cup and this match is Forfeited. Worst case scenario is that they both show up and their playing partners must endure 5 hours of mostly shitty, uninspiring, boring golf. (Forfeit)…hopefully.
Match #2 Chambermaid (16) vs Railing Your Mom (0)
This matchup between the wimpiest golfer in our league and Railing Your Mom will go the distance if a couple key things fall into place. 1. Chambermaid must show up healthy. He missed an event this year after he admitted himself into Urgent Care for what he thought was a torn ACL after his 1/2-pound Chihuahua accidentally ran into his shin. Turned out it was just a sub grade 1 sprain…basically nothing. He missed another event when he fell of the first rung of his painting ladder (6” off the ground) and sprained his hymen while trying to break his fall (he didn’t fall). 2. Railing must show up and somehow shoot under 90 and not drink anything stronger than a White Claw during his round…seems damn near impossible. I see this one being halved after Chambermaid takes a 1 up lead on 17, hits his next tee shot down the middle and leaves his approach shot short but inexplicably confuses the 18th fairway as the green and 3 putts into a sprinkler head hole…. Halved.
Match #3 Rabbi (3) vs Hellboy (0)
I’ve never been one to single a person out… but imagine if you will, a displaced lumber wholesaler in his late-30’s that has basically given up on life. He rents out a spare room to his ex-fiancé’s boyfriend so he can watch them fuck on the hidden camera he had installed in the ceiling fan. His mom lives in the other spare room and raises “emotional support” Gerbils for his “Anxiety”. Now imagine a hard-working lumber Production Manager in his late 30’s with red hair that is in a stable, healthy relationship with a woman, and works hard every day to make himself a better person. I will let YOU the reader decide on who is who. Hellboy wins 3up.
Match #4 Golden Rod (2) vs Easy (0)
From the lush perfect fairways and greens of Central Oregon comes MIGHTY Golden Rod with his 11.5 handicap and his recent job promotion and new title of: Assistant to the Regional Assistant Manager of Managing Managers to manage Managers. In other words, he got demoted but won’t realize it until 10 years down the road when he gets another “promotion” to the position he just left. Easy wants a win so bad that he is willing to do whatever it takes to secure a point for Team Washington. First, he threw in the towel at the Tour Championship knowing that it would increase his handicap to a near all-time high. Then, he created a Grinder profile so that he can e-mail Rod in hopes of luring him into a motel off MLK the night before the Columbia Cup…his handle? Slow-N-Easy9. Now I am hearing whispers that Sleazy Easy has been sending unsolicited dick picks to Goldens mom? This one will come down to Easy being 2 down on the 17th Tee box desperately trying to rattle Golden by pulling the old Lee Trevino “snake out of the bag trick” to throw at Rod. Instead of a snake it will be the same black 13” dildo that the fag escort used on Rod the night before in the hotel off of MLK and it will hit Rod in the head, knocking him unconscious, giving Easy ample time to grab Rods phone, get into Gamebook, change the scores and also switch the scorecard that he had been keeping so that he is now 2 up with 2 to play. Despicable! Easy wins 2up.
Match #5 Fitzy (0) vs Dozer (7)
A few weeks back our beloved Dozer experienced a major medical episode. How it was explained to me by Dozer was that apparently his asshole was swollen shut from God only knows what and instead of his shit exiting through his anus, it was trying to exit through his dickhole…or something like that. From his hospital bed in Chicago…at 3 am in the morning, Dozer calls me up and says, “listen Toro, I might not make it out of here, but if I somehow manage to get back to at least 50% strength, I need you to make sure you pair me up with Fitzy in the Columbia Cup.” I asked him why? He didn’t want to talk about it, but I eventually got him to tell me that the reason his anus was swollen shut was because Fitzy had flown out to Chicago to meet up with him and drive the rest of the trip back to Oregon. On the second night that Fitzy was there, they were hanging out in his hotel room having beers and meat sandwiches and it was getting late and suddenly Dozer was starting to slur his words and was feeling confused and disoriented. Next thing you know Dozer is lying naked on the bed and he sees Fitzy fiddling around with the VCR and then gay porn started playing. He tried to move but couldn’t. Fitzy slowly turned around with his polaroid and started taking pictures of a helpless, sprawled out Dozer…..I can’t go on anymore, this is too upsetting to write. I honestly don’t know how Dozer can even look at Fitzy anymore. Dozer refuses to press charges. Dozer wins this match 2up.
Match #6 Headcase (0) vs Precious (3)
At some point in most every golfer’s life they will look back and specifically reflect on an important approach shot that he hit fat, putts that should have gone in but didn’t, drives off the tee that never made the fairway, slow rounds of golf played that they wished they had played faster…. slow rounds of golf played that they wished they had played faster… slow rounds of golf played that they wished they had played faster. Headcase has not reached that point in his life yet. This matchup is intriguing. Headcase is the slowest player in our league, bar none. Precious smokes the most cigarettes of any player during a round. Headcase is coming off his most disappointing year ever. Precious is coming off a very successful 2/3 year. Had it not been for the hookers, drugs, and gambling in the last 1/3 of the season I would say he would have gone down as perhaps the greatest President in league history. Precious has the chance to redeem himself here with a victory in what will undoubtedly be the s-l-o-w-e-s-t…match…in…the…history…of…the…12…league. Will Headcase finally allow himself to heal and forgive himself for all the fat shots, missed putts, horrendous drives, and slow play? Not a chance. This will be another Baker Breakdown for Headcase. Precious wins 2up after being 6 down with 8 to play. Precious wins 2 up.
Match #7 Roedog (5) vs Spanky (0)
This one might get chippy! Anybody that plays with Spanky knows he is a competitive, cut-throat, mofo and will do anything to win…but is not a cheater. He will make Roeder putt out from 3” if he can sense that it will get into Roedogs head, which it will. By the end of this round Roedog will be ready to kill Spanky. Everyone knows Roedog is a stickler when it comes to abiding by the rules. But did you know that Roedog was ran out of the league he used to play for? For cheating? It’s true. It was determined that for years Roedog had been wearing his wife’s panty hose inside of his slacks in order to hold in place a sleeve of golf balls with the same number and mark as the ball he was playing. He would make a point to show his playing partners his ball and mark before he tee’d off. Then, when he would snap hook his drive into the shit, or hit that weak ass slice he is known to hit from time to time, he would always find it because he would push the ball out of his panty hose, down his leg and it would drop out by his foot. After discovering this, members of his former league coaxed an unexpecting Roedog into meeting up for a twilight round out at Quail Valley where they beat him up, stripped him down naked, shoved his putter up his ass and then threw him into the pond on #2. Spanky wins this one 5 & 4.
Match #8 Ca Lifornia (2) vs El Toro (0)
With zero chance of sandbagging a league handicap managed by El Toro, Ca Lifornia is coming off his worst season ever, with his lowest handicap ever, his lowest $$ payout ever, his lowest win total ever, and finally, lowest self-esteem ever. In contrast, the new league handicap system has bloated El Toro’s handicap to a career high! Even with this career high handicap, El Toro had failed miserably all year long to secure a win…coming up just shy until the most important event of the year…The Tour Championship… a WIN for EL TORO! Wasn’t even close…basically just a bunch of losers chasing after his crumbs for place money. This one will simply come down to which El Toro shows up to play because we ALL know, when El Toro is firing on all cylinders it’s game over bitches! Halved.
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