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Writer's pictureArmando Gonzales

2023 Rust and Dust Results

Updated: Apr 7, 2023




The results from the 1st event of the year are in and Goddammit if Big Red didn't do it again! Picking up where he left of last year, Hellboy, starts the 2023 season off in style with a well earned win. Who would have thought that the biggest competition that Hellboy would have faced on Sunday was the course and mother nature herself? Nary a member of the 12 was able to mount a challenge in the water-logged, goose shit, slosh pit that was Eastmoreland on this late March morning. Teeing off in the first group, allowed Hellboy to finish before ole' mother nature unleashed her full fury. (see hole 17 for proof).

Congrats to Hellboy on his win and welcome to the 2023 season boys!


On to the lowlights:


  • Playing in the first group Sloppy goes 52/65! Shoots a season high 14 on #11. Finishes dead last and it wasn't close! ***Reminder that last place buys a pitcher. *** Also, as a side note for 2023, we will be taking nominations for biggest bitcher of the day and they owe a pitcher as well. This will be forever known as a bitcher. Sloppy should have bought 2 on Sunday!

  • Railing, in full Masters prep tanks his round on #13 with a Sloppy-esque 11. 4 pars and a birdie on the front. Then shoots a 61 back. When the chances of winning were gone this man made a business decision and decided he wants that green jacket! Well played RYM!

  • The Con-Man feels the pressure mount as he kicks off his first full season in the 12. Falls the fuck apart worse than when he allowed Sloppy to have his way with him at the US Open. Gross 107 may be the worse result a Shira has received since EZ found out that Connor was joining the 12.

  • Last years Fed-Ex Champ falls flat on his damn face. Spanky gets spanked by Eastmoreland going out in 56. Figures her out on the back nine. Repeating is hard but seeing Spanky fail makes this President harder.

  • Chambermaid gives Sloppy a run for his money on worst hole of the year and takes a 12 on #13. First time all year someone has said "Thank God Joe's here." 49/61. God I missed you guys.

  • Dozer, who gets credit for "Bitchers Pitchers", comes out to play with his replacements, replacements golf set, as his primary bag is in Alabama, secondary is in California, and his tertiary clubs prove to be just as useless as the other 2 sets. 56/55 is good for a middle of the road finish. However, if this man lives through the RTJ Trail and back to back to back to back days of golf, my prediction of comeback golfer of the year is still in tact.

  • I wrote the recap for Magic Mike. Then deleted it. How can you insult a man who you pull for as much as you pull for that special kid who rides in the front of the bus with the helmet? Just keep showing up and giving it your best, buddy. One day the stars will align and it will all come together. 46 on the front kept him in the mix, 55 on the back blew it.

  • Headcase stays consistent. Doesn't let a few bad holes lead him to a 100+ abortion, like we've seen in the past. 99. Prediction: 2 wins for Headcase this year as long as the bucket hat stays home.

  • Roedog, despite what game book says finishes in 3rd, and has his sights set on a Tour Championship. Sloppy asks on the way to the course "Has Roeder ever won anything?" I answer "Other than my undying respect and loyalty? Not a fucking thing since I cam along." and truth is I plan to keep it that way. Gross 97 won't cut it as the year moves along but this isn't a 97 shooter. We can expect Roder to be in the mix all year long.

  • Precious, shoots a ROBUST 53 on the front 9. Relieves any pressure of possibly competing in this event shoots 5 better on the back as conditions deteriorate. Is amazed to find out due to a Toro book keeping error he sneaks into a tie for 2nd. If that doesn't tell you all you need to know about how he deals with pressure, nothing will. Prediction: Will lead a tournament this year and give it away around hole 16,17 or 18. Will not recover and will change his name officially to Howie Chokes.

  • Toro continues the trend of always a bridesmaid and never the bride. Low Gross. Owes himself a bottle. Hole 17 costs Toro the win with 2 balls dunked off the tee. Ties for 2nd. Ouch.

Can we all agree that its better Hellboy than another Spanky win? See some of you next event. See you Roeder, in my dreams.


Onward and Upward,


President Precious

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