Who wore the dad bod better?
There are events that come and go and you wouldn't even know they happened. i.e. Roeder's last win in the league. Then there are events like the Debacle at the Duffer's where you're not sure who won, but the lasting impression of everyone choking at the finish, like it was the Bukkake World Championships, insures that the memory lives on in 12's lore. Then sometimes, just sometimes, an event comes along and you get to see actual skill take center stage. 2 heavy weights going blow for blow. The underdog rewriting their destiny. Over half the field within spitting distance of the lead with 9 to play.
Well, that's what took place on Sunday at Tri-Mountain. Master's Champion, Easy and newly baby faced, Spanky, went toe to toe in a match that rivaled the likes of Marvin Hagler vs. Thomas Hearns, Floyd Mayweather Jr vs. Manny Pacquiao, Deontay Wilder vs. Tyson Fury, and Evander Holyfield vs. Mike Tyson. Now, we are still waiting to find out what part of Easy's body that Spanky bit, but not until hole 13 did one of them blink and Easy's double bogey opened the door for Spanky to take this one home. Now all that was left was for Spanky to close strong. And close strong he did. The entire field was waiting for any kind of stumble, a mistake, anything to hold onto. But no. Not today. Spanky closed this one out going just 1 over on the back nine in what he described as a "Ho-Hum 77". Yeah, fuck you Spanks. A Ho-Hum 77?!?! Do you know how many handies I would palm out before the round if someone said you're going to shoot a 77 today? Yeah, a lot. Like an obscene amount. Probably enough that I would develop a blister so bad that I couldn't hold a club without pain and that 77 turns into a 97. Handies for nothing. But I digress. Skill prevailed in this one, not a high handicapper hanging on, not a choke job lifting someone to the 'ship. No, despite how hard it is to say, last years tour champion deserved and earned this one.
Please join me in lifting your glasses and congratulating Spanky on his win! Cheers you fake humble, cocky bastard.
On to the lowlights:
Railing - 15th Place 101/90 +18 - Railing has finished in 11th out of 12, 7th of 8, 12th of 12 and now 15th of 15. Back to back weeks in the basement has this newly double digited handicapper reeling. A Railing intervention or a Railing win are both well within the realm of possibilities this year. One of these things is more likely than the other but I'll let you decide which.
Fitzy - T13th Place 99/83 +11 - Magic Mike finds no magic on the course unless of course you count his game disappearing on him. 3 different 9's on the scorecard is never a good thing. At least Railings, 10 on 18 saved you from high hole of the day...3 separate times.
The Pro - T13th Place 93/83 +11 - The Pro comes out to swing his clubs for the first time all year and it showed from the start. It began with him struggling to open his cart and then saw his lack of endurance catch up with him. Just 4 over through 7 he closes the front 9 with a 7-7 finish and never looks back.
Conman - 12th Place 98/82 +10 - Has a prettier swing ever been paired with an uglier score? It's like that fat ugly guy who's sitting with the beautiful woman at the bar and you think to yourself "He must be a good listener." Well that's Connor. A good listener. Sometimes it's better to look good than to be good just not in golf.
Dozer - T8th Place 101/78 +6 - A net eagle on hole 1 gets Dozer out front early, A net Ace on 6 keeps the dream alive. A damn shame that his putter's nickname is Boogeyman. The flat stick absolutely fails Dozer on the back 9 with 3 and 4 putts a-plenty that turned this round into a nightmare.
Hellboy - T8th Place 98/78 +6 - Where has his game gone? A multi-event winner last year has admittedly lost his game. Is it nerves? Is it Satan's punishment for his leaving the depths of Hades? or is it just a ploy that this conniving prick is playing on us to continue to inflate his handicap in preparation for the US Open?
Roeder - T8th Place 92/78 +6 - 46/46 on the front and back is about the most consistent thing Roeder has done all year. One has to wonder about the disappearing act he pulled on the 19th hole though. If he had somehow one this thing would he still have left? I'm not going to question anyone's character or integrity but some would say this was a cumdog-esque move.
El Toro - T8th Place 87/78 +6 - After a 43 front Toro plays his way back into the mix 3 under on holes 10-14. Then disaster strikes. Double, triple on 15 and 16 derails any shot he had. This may be the turning point where Spanky is offically better than his *dad. (*DNA results pending)
Chambermaid - 7th Place 99/76 +4 - Never really in it, never really out of it. Just like doggy-style with a big girl, just less enjoyable. a 7 on 1 to make sure you know that today isn't going to be your day and a 7 on 10 to make sure you know it's not going to get any better. Goddammit if gold isn't a cruel mistress.
Precious - T5th Place 93/71 -1 - 4 doubles on the back nine is his undoing and this, after I said I wasn't going to drink. This is now the 20th event after which I've quit golf. But she keeps bringing me back. Taking bets but The President is taking home the trophy at the Reserve. Bringing 2 Magnums of the bubbly to celebrate my first win with. Hope to see you there.
Sloppy - T5th Place 93/71 -1 - Sloppy holds the lead of the tournament for a few holes, then takes Marshawn's advice and holds something else ( https://youtu.be/gd_Vd43Vxa0 ) for the rest of it. Finally gets out of not being nominated for bitchers. The growth is astounding.
California - T3rd Place 81/69 -3 - Ca is on the prowl. This was the battle cry from hole 7 on. 2 over on holes 7 thru 16 on most days does it. A slow start and Spanky's unreal run are just too much to overcome. Ca wins the next event he enters that isn't the Reserve. Just too consistent.
Easy - T3rd Place 78/69 -3 - Looking to go back to back and prove the Masters wasn't a fluke. Well 1 of 2 accomplished. A gross 78 wins this thing most days, but when the train is on the tracks you can't stand on the rails. The Spanky buzzsaw was too much to withstand. By the way, a 78 with a 7 on the scorecard. I hate you guys.
Headcase - 2nd Place - 87/68 -4 - It may be too early to start screaming I told you so but this guy right here, the underdog, the Rudy of the 12's (if Rudy was middle aged, had a rockin' beard, an underrated sense of style and killed heaters on the back nine), came to play. a 46 on the front gave no indication of the run that was going to be made on the back. a 41 from a 19 HCP?!?!?! going with a Precious/Headcase 1-2 finish at the reserve. Also, random draw will also have these 2 playing together next Sunday.
Again, Cheers to the league. We're coming up on some good weather and some good golf.
Onward and upward,
President Precious
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