This event will go down in the anals (spelling?) of 12 History. The Immaculate Reception. Pesky Pole. Malice in the Palace. None, I repeat none, of these events hold a candle to the shit-show that found it's way to holes 17 and 18 at the Duffer's Open. The Debacle at the Duffer's will live on in infamy long after Dozer dies of dysentery, Toro become terminally ill from tetanus, and Goldenrod goes from gangrene. The goddamn choke show that was witnessed on this fateful Sunday made this President realize that this, this, is his true calling. Being responsible to a bunch of hackers, that go out of their way to ensure that I have something to write about in the days and weeks following the event. That's the way of the 12. To hell with individual glory. Who gives a shit about a trophy that Mrs. Hellboy broke in a fit of rage? We are here to make sure that President Precious has an easy write up. Well, mission accomplished MFer's.
Spanky won. The picture says enough. A 40/41, 81 with a Birdie-Par finish should win. But it shouldn't have won Sunday. Low Gross, in a field that could only muster "Gross", means that someone owes this guy a bottle. Fitz, you got this?
A solid, yet unspectacular round found Spanky 7 stokes out of 2nd and 10 stokes out of 1st with 2 to play. Game. Set. Match. Hang on to 3rd and get ready for the Masters. Nope. These 2 fucking guys, Magic and Sloppy, did everything they could to hand this event to the other guy. What no one could have imagined is that the other guy was Spanky. Congrats on the win Spanky. You earned this the way you earn a daytime hand-job. No one really likes it, it would have been better if you had done it on your own, and eye contact is hard to muster after the fact.
On to the Lowlights:
Headcase goes 110. The prediction remains, 2 tourney wins this year but death by suicide is starting to get some of the Vegas money.
Railing, in true degen fashion shoots a 41 and is in contention. A back 9 that included birdie bottles, bogey bottles, and what must have been a shot heroin shoots a 58 back. Masters repeat? Not unless his Sponsor attends.
Chambermaid from 3rd to 6th in 1 hole. An 11 on 18 takes away and chance of moving up on the leaderboard.
Precious shoots his way out of the tourney with an 11 on 2 and goes 4 over for the remaining 7 holes on the front to give himself some form of false hope. It's like buying the hot girl at the bar a drink, yeah she's talking to you, but she is definitely blowing your asshole bestfriend tonight.
If "Bogey Golf" had a face, Hellboy would be what it would look like. If I hear this man announce his lack of ambition and acceptance of mediocrity 1 more time I will be joning Headcase and it will become a Murder/Suicide. Hellboy's mantra of "Bogey Golf" is a testament to the "everyone gets a trophy" society we are in. But I regress, it seems to work.
And now on to the DEBACLE at the DUFFERS - Sloppy, on 17 and 18, goes 7-11, like car-bomb was invited back to the league. And just like your local convenience store, the Slurpee machine (Sloppy's Swing) is broken, the ATM (Sloppy's confidence) is down , and the condoms (Sloppy's excuses) are punctured. Couldn't have happened to a better guy. Prediction? He no-shows the Masters and cites the drive but in reality his confidence is shook. Welcome to the YIPS club.
I wish I could say the DEBACLE was relegated to 1 choke artist. Nope. Magic being the nicest guy on tour saw that Sloppy didn't have what it takes and knew he would have to throw it away to give him a shot. So in the 1st group, decides that on hole 18 now would be the time to unleash his first slice of the day into the water. SPLASH! "Was that enough?" he is heard muttering to himself on the tee box at 18. He answers himself "Not even fucking close Mikey" and dunks another. This was his tourney to win and he did his best to give it to Sloppy. What a nice guy!
On to the Masters Boys.
Onward and Upward,
President Precious
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