2021 - Masters Champion

Emerald Valley Golf Club resides in Lane County -Creswell, Oregon. Here are the events as seen by Chambermaid on April 25th, 2021:

It was a drizzly Sunday morning in NW Oregon. Adam Baker and Chambermaid sipped their morning coffees in the gray MINI Clubman, emerging from the small community of Tigard. Shakespeare was channeling through the speakers as the sun was rising out of the East. It felt like any other Major Sunday for these high handicappers, full of disappointment and poor execution. However, this Sunday will be in unfamiliar territory. Hello friends, welcome to the COVID 2021 MASTERS!! Chambermaid finishes a joint with Bakes and wipes his head from the looming doom. The hazy 97 ounces of beer last night help him feel at home. They pull up in the half empty lot to a new scenery. Immediately observed in the distance is Fitzy and Dog mucking about. They’re assembling their weapons from a black SUV with missing parts. Dog turns around to see who’s parking near them and THERE IT IS. The green coveted jacket. You can see the velvet texture glimmer in the morning rays. The unmistakable Masters logo peeks out from the cloth. It’s glorious.

Tee shots echo through the tree lined fairways as the golfers start their discussions. Flipping tees and the sounds of icy drinks on Hole #1. Mutters quickly spread about the competitors missing the event. “They should pay... They must have slept in/drunk.” Rumors arise and swirl about the air. Spanky spits out his Bloody Mary and announces it’s the worst one he’s ever had. Olives, ice and what appears to be tomato juice spill upon the Bermuda grass. It’s begun. The tourney is under way. Chambermaid smokes a 5 wood for his second shot of the day. The shot bounces up the exquisitely cared for course. The onlookers hush with anticipation (Easy and Bakes are in his group) The recently purchased $3 Callaway ball sits up- left edge green. He immediately gets hard. He tries to control his excitement. Could this be the day? He thinks “Easy Davey... it’s the first hole.” He also wonders: Who the fuck is Precious? The morning play continues with Chambermaid leading by 5. He feels comfortable- almost too good. He’s wearing his black rain jacket and traditional gray slacks. Adidas Boost shoes with a black and cap with a white brim. Cologne by Lucky.

Suddenly on 9 he manages to hit one out. A lonely, abandoned pump house meets his trusty Callaway. It hits with a thud, never to be seen again. Can he endure? Will that sweet-sweet handicap be enough cushion? He starts to consider the end. His mind begins to blur. He’s thinking... Junior golfers start to gather at the clubhouse and Hellboy continues to use foul language. He sits atop the leaderboard waiting for Maid to slip. If anyone’s handicap can get Maid, it’s a Hellboy Handi. Burn Maid... burn it down! Ca Le is playing his game and throwing darts in his backyard. In the hunt. He’s perplexed at why Maid is playing well. He wonders if Maid is taking supplements or just not drinking. Maid leaves his rain jacket on for effect. Very steamy underneath. Mentions 14 times to Ca that he loves EV. Ca is not fooled by his small talk. Confusion and frustrations are for the uninitiated! Roe dog’s mind fathoms what a repeat would feel like - soon after hole 2 he’s thinking about Poontang. His year of reigning champ starts to dissipate around 3. It’s difficult to win, it’s very difficult to repeat. He bought the most beautiful, elegant green jacket - and someone else will get it. Will the victor even appreciate the care and loving touch needed to secure that logo? The yellow thread even matches the patch. That’s DETAIL. Then there was Fitz Magic. The SLAM was possible with a win on Sunday. He let the pressure build and it St. Helensed on him. When asked about his round - his eyes glossed over, and little shake of the head was observed. He was a man about it and even made sure his final score was tallied correctly. He still has the hole in one achievement and cannot seem to shut up about it. Then, a phone call changes the day. Easy does what most men would NEVER do. He answers his wife’s phone call. Right there on the course, like it was no big thing. Bakes had just hit a 6-iron sent from Jesus himself and damn near holes it. Easy hangs up and immediately tells us the bad news. Panic and fear permeate 14. It’s comes crashing down. The news sends Easy sprinting to the parking lot. A few words and he’s gone. Within moments he’s no longer visible. Maid twirls the Callaway Three striped ball gingerly in his right hand. Focus Maid... The match concludes in no dramatic fashion. Maid couldn’t focus and doubles the last two holes. The back 9 delivered zero pars. He realizes the mental game will absolutely FUK YOU UP. No matter, the field had already conceded, and dinner was ready. Golfers sat down to one of the classiest and biggest surprises the 12 has ever seen. A waitress delivers a Rib dinner with all the fixings to each participant. Ca Le shows us all once again how to live your life. A little moisture gathers in Maids left eye. He’s absolutely stunned and unprepared. His demeanor is one of confusion. What just happened? The BBQ sauce seeps into his half assed beard as he realizes he enjoys BBQ more than a win. Your 2021 champion has officially devoured the day.

Credit list: California for setting this all up and treating the event with reverence and class. I know I’m biased now - but this course is bad ass! IMO a top 10 Oregon course. Well done sir. NOTE: The head chef showed up after the meal and shook his hand like an Italian mob boss. You’ve all been warned. Benjamin Roder. Took charge of the ceremony and left no doubt he is a man of the cloth. Shit talked everyone and even explained to Hellboy that he can use his handicap for good. A Masters Legend. Thank you.

All others - because without you, the prize money would’ve been slim. Thank you for duffing, topping and flat out missing short puts. It’s because of you, Champions enjoy the finer things in life. Next year's dinner will have cauliflower rice, vegan tempeh and cashew cheese. *Sending good vibes to you Easy To those that didn’t show up for 2021- Next Year Suckas!!! Chambermaid- IN!!